Apathy

I think apathy may very well be the obese dieter's worst enemy. Somewhere along the line, you seem to forget about the rock-bottom feelings of utter fatness and despair, and just stop caring. Sometimes this is a momentary lapse, like a night out or a weekend binge. Worst case, a weekend binge turns into a few days turns into a few weeks, and before you know it, you're back where you started - or worse.

So it was for me yesterday. It started in the morning with an incomplete breakfast which left me feeling hungry at about 9am. I find that if I don't have a good breakfast, it throws off my entire day. Even if I make up the calories with a mid morning snack, I seem to retain that psychological scar of feeling hungry throughout the day.

Of course I also had a great weigh in yesterday. Ironically, a great weigh-in can erode my willpower, by helping me feel like I have a license to indulge. After all, I'm doing great! Way ahead of plan! Go ahead, live a little! Talk about EVIL thoughts!

Meanwhile I had a bad day yesterday. There's been alot of conflict in my life lately, mostly with personal relationships i.e. friends and family. Yesterday there was another incident involving conflict. Actually I was only indirectly involved - the incident was between my wife and a friend, but it affects both of us, so I got caught up in it. The whole thing left me feeling perplexed, as to why I seem to be experiencing so much conflict in my life, and this made me feel a bit depressed.

So went the perfect storm: hungry + depressed + license to indulge = recipe for failure. In reflecting on it, I think I was really just feeling apathetic. I just didn't care. I didn't care about counting calories, measuring portions, or exercising willpower. I just didn't feel like thinking about any of it. I think this is hard for most "normal" people to understand. If you've never tried to diet - seriously diet - for a long period of time, you don't realize: committment to a diet requires a near-constant expenditure of mental energy, as every morsel that passes your lips must be carefully considered. I might even venture to say that this is what sets dieting apart from other types of behavior modification, like quitting smoking or drinking. In the latter cases, for the most part it is possible to entirely avoid the subjects - just don't hang out with smokers or drinkers (I know, I'm over-simplifying, but I'm trying to make a point). With dieting, on the other hand, you must constantly think about the source of your pain: food. If you stop caring for one nanosecond about what goes in your mouth, you're on the road to failure. Hence, apathy is the dieter's worst enemy.

Unfortunately I think for many this is unavoidable. I, for one, am not capable of sustaining this level of focused mental energy for very long. My strategy is to mitigate the risk through pre-emptive damage control. For me, that means keeping healthy food options on hand at all times, so when I do lapse into apathy, the potential damage is contained. This strategy seemed to work pretty well yesterday. The only snack I have at the office is Quaker rice cakes. Ok, so I had six of them. A bit overboard, but what the heck - only 50 calories apiece. Likewise at home, my freezer is stocked with Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches, about 100 calories apiece. And my fridge is stocked with fruit. And my pantry has plenty of 100-calorie snack packs (like those new Oreo crisps). So fine, I'm hungry and reaching for something to satisfy the hunger and not really caring what it is, so fine, it's 100 calories. Problem neutralized!

Meanwhile, I am ready to shock myself back on track this morning. Even writing this entry has been therapeutic. Already, I am motivated to stay on plan today, and most importantly: I care what goes into my mouth today. Phew!

It's Working!

Ok, pinch me! The diet (ahem...new lifestyle) ACTUALLY SEEMS TO BE WORKING! It's weigh-in day today, and I was rewarded with another BIG DROP on the scale. Today's weight was 311.4, a total of 3.8 pounds lost since last week. WOW!

In related news, I grabbed a pair of Dockers from my closet this morning - a pair I haven't worn in probably 2 months - and lo and behold, THEY'RE TOO BIG! Major milestone achieved: I now have exactly 1 item to forever banish in the FAT CLOTHES pile. Better yet, I was able to fit into a nice pair of slacks I haven't worn in probably a year. Progress! Major progress!

I am celebrating by packing two of my wife's delicious Toll House cookies, just baked last night, in my lunch today. I know, I know - don't celebrate with food. Bla bla bla. Whoever made up that rule can bite me! I'm gettin skinnier by the minute here! WOO HOOO!

Still Alive!

I'm still alive! Haven't had time to post for the past few days but I am indeed alive and kickin.

Things are going well. I am definitely feeling "in the groove" with respect to the food plan. They say it takes 21 days to make a habit. I'm not sure if that's true (I can make a habit of eating Ben and Jerry's in about 3 nanoseconds), but I do feel like I have a routine going here. Ways I can tell:

• The weekly menu planning and shopping is taking considerable less time. I think it took me 3-4 hours the first week, but I think I've got it down to less than 1 hour (including online shopping via peapod.com).
• I'm not phased by glitches in the plan. Case in point, our office microwave went kaput last week. This makes it tough to eat Lean Cuisines (those little lowfat pizzas just don't make it as popsicles). However an easy remedy was a trip to the building caf to pick up a salad with fat free dressing.
• On a related note, I am improvising pretty well. Case in point, my partner and I took a client to a Sox game last week. I had no idea in advance where we would end up for dinner. We ended up at a sports bar near Fenway Park, and I was able to find a grilled chicken sandwich (no mayo) with lettuce and tomato, with a small (1/2 cup) side of cole slaw. Tasty dinner, no oddball looks from the gang, and "on plan".
• I am finding I can stay on plan pretty well without running to a computer after every meal to make entries in myfooddiary. In fact I've even gone a couple of days without recording food (gasp!). A couple of times I went back to record entries for past days and found I was hitting my calorie quota almost dead-on.
• I am definitely not feeling overly taxed, inconvenienced, or deprived by this food plan. If asked today, I would definitely say this is something I can live with forever.

Meanwhile I am "feeling" a bit skinnier. The slacks and shirts feel a tad looser. This is a huge payoff for me - I have always derived great pleasure from the improvement in the way my clothes fit (or look). Can't wait to drop a pants size!

Thanks to everyone who has been reading my blog and particularly those who have posted comments. The support really helps!

Top 100 Reasons I Want to Lose Weight

In reading a fellow fat-blogger Half-Man's post on "secrets" to weight loss this morning, it occurred to me that I have been remiss in really articulating my inspiration for my new lifestyle. I've mentioned it in passing a few times but never really expounded - or, for that matter, really thought about it that much lately.

I suppose it's self-evident, when you are over 100 pounds overweight. Self-preservation should undoubtedly top the list. I mean really, if you're that fat, the chances are approximately a gazillion times higher that you'll die from some weight-related issue like heart attack, diabetes, or asphyxiating yourself while attempting to tie your shoes.

So I dug up this old document I composed a little over a year ago, when I was feeling really depressed about my weight and contemplating yet another soon-to-fail diet. As I reread the document, I cringed a bit at some of the memories it brought back to mind, but simultaneously realized that this is exactly what I need: a reminder, of what I want to leave behind, and where I want to go.

So without further ado, I am enclosing a copy of the document, titled "Top 100 Reasons I Want to Lose Weight", herein. Enjoy...

1. I want to feel better.



2. I want to feel better about myself.



3. I am tired of being fat.



4. I am tired of looking wretched.



5. I am tired of my clothes not fitting.



6. I don’t want to die young.



7. I want to be around for my children.



8. I want to enjoy a long life with my wife.



9. I want to serve a mission.



10. I want to go to the beach.



11. I want to play in the pool with my kids.



12. I am tired of feeling tired.



13. I want to have better sex.



14. I am tired of failing.



15. I don’t want my kids to feel embarrassed by me.



16. I want my wife to be proud of me.



17. Food is fuel.



18. I want to change my bad habits.



19. I want to feel empowered by being able to change.



20. I want to obey the Word of Wisdom.



21. I want to go on amusement park rides with my kids.



22. I want to try snorkeling.



23. I want to try and scuba diving.



24. I want my friends to say “you look great”.



25. I am tired of feeling old.



26. I want to climb Mount Monadnock.



27. I am tired of having a big belly.



28. I want to shower at the gym without feeling embarrassed.



29. I want to run around with my kids without getting tired.



30. I am tired of having sore knees.



31. I want to spend less money on food.



32. I want to spend less time on food.



33. I want my wife to be able to hug me.



34. I want to look good in pictures.



35. I want to have a strong body in case of emergency.



36. I want to regain my confidence.



37. I want to be able to buy clothes in regular stores.



38. I want to start re-building my wardrobe.



39. I want to go skiing.



40. I want to have more patience and less stress.



41. I miss the feeling of a satisfying workout.



42. I want to win a contest.



43. I am tired of having a sore back.



44. I want to be a good example for my kids.



45. I want my kids to have better eating and exercise habits also.



46. I want to have an active family.



47. I don’t want to have a heart attack.



48. I want to feel comfortable naked.



49. I want to be strong.



50. I am tired of flab.



51. I want to go jet skiing.



52. I want to try water skiing.



53. I don’t want to be a statistic.



54. I want to know how it feels to be in shape.



55. I don’t want my wife to worry about me.



56. I want to make a good first impression.



57. I want to have more energy.



58. My body is a blessing, I need to respect it.



59. I want to fit in an airplane seat.



60. I don’t like my kids to call me fat.



61. My wife wants me to look hot in a bathing suit.



62. Dang I want to look hot in a bathing suit.



63. Come to think of it I’d be happy to fit into a bathing suit.



64. I want to take control of my life starting with this.



65. I want to build better willpower and self-discipline.



66. I don’t want to break furniture when I sit on it.



67. I want to see my toes.



68. I want to be able to use on a regular bathroom scale.



69. I want it to be easier to tie my shoes.



70. I want to sleep better.



71. I want to find my “six pack”.



72. I want to lose the “spare tire”.



73. I don’t want to become diabetic.



74. I am tired of asthma.



75. I am tired of obsessing about food.



76. I want my dream to come true.



77. I want my prayers to be answered.



78. I don’t want to run the marathon but I do want to know that I could.



79. My wife misses my skinny face.



80. I want to be a Mike D success story!



81. I want my picture up at Body Evolver.



82. I want to fit into my cool ski jacket.



83. I hate my double chin.



84. I want to fit into logo ware like an AYL windbreaker!



85. I want a comfortable pair of jeans!



86. I don’t want to labor over food choices.



87. I want to see my grandchildren.



88. I want to be there for my grandchildren.



89. I want to inspire others.



90. I’m tired of tummy aches from bad food.



91. I want to dance at weddings.



92. I want to walk, not waddle.



93. I want to climb stairs without getting tired.



94. I want to carry my kids without getting tired.



95. I don’t want to be a “girlie man”



96. I want to project strength, not weakness



97. I am tired of sweating when sitting still.



98. Eat to live, not live to eat.



99. I hate the flab under my arms.



100. Did I mention better sex?

On A Roll...

Well, it's official - I'm on a roll!

Today marks week 3, and this morning's weigh-in did not disappoint. I'm down to 315.2, for a grand total loss of 14.8 pounds in 3 weeks. Boo-yah!

All is happy here in fatland. Once again I realize that this pace is not likely to continue much longer, so I will GLOAT NOW WHILE I CAN!

I think the key for me here is to feel good about the success, but not rest on my laurels. I must continue to be diligent to the point of anal retentive, for now at least, about what enters my piehole. Anyone can be successful for 3 weeks. I need to take the long term view, so I can be successful for the rest of my life. I need all the momentum I can get right now. I need to bank all that mental feel-good mojo and build up a reservoir that I can draw on when things get tough, which - without a doubt - they will!

So for now, yippee-ki-yay and all that. I rock. I am a rock. I will soon be built like a rock. Rock on!

It's Not a Diet -- It's a Lifestyle!

At some point I have to face the fact. This new eating plan of mine is not a "diet" per se. Well it is a diet in the literal sense, in that the foods one eats constitutes one's diet. But "diet", to me, and I think in common use, connotes a temporary change to the way one eats. As in "I'm going on a diet tomorrow, now please pass the hot fudge" OR "yeah I tried that diet, but after awhile I just got tired of eating all that bacon."

But a thought occurred to me yesterday as I passed by my old McDonald's (I say "my" because I think the franchise owner owes me stock given the amount of miles I logged at the drive-thru). This "diet" I'm on needs to stick. I can never go back to the way I used to eat.

I must admit I felt a twinge of nostalgia for the care-free days of free-for-all eating. But the fond memory was short lived, as I quickly realized a) how FAT that behavior has made me, and b) how gross my eating habits really were.

To give you a sense of what I'm talking about, let's step into the wayback machine for a trip down memory lane, and look at a day in the life of fat me. After the morning routine I would typically head downstairs for breakfast. While getting breakfast together I might whet my palate with last night's leftover goodies - maybe 2 or 3 toll house cookies (150-225 cals) or a brownie (300 cals). Breakfast might consist of a big bowl (or TWO!) of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal (250-500 cals) with whole milk (150-300 cals) and a tall glass of OJ (200 cals). Then I'd head to the office and of course pop in to the cafeteria to pick up a little something, like a poppy seed muffin (~400 cals) -- ya know, to "tide me over" through the morning. Back to the caf for lunch...a plate of whatever looks good, like the double hot dog plate with curly fries (easily 700 cals), and of course a tasty dessert like a big fat brownie (300 cals). Are we fat yet? During the afternoon I might snack on some of the treats I stashed in my desk drawer, like half a sack of Jelly Bellys or half a big Cadbury Fruit and Nut bar (400 cals). Uy, I can hear my heart begging for mercy. Dinner might be a helping or two or three of bowtie pasta with meat sauce (easily 500 cals) and a big salad loaded with croutons and feta cheese and plenty of dressing (probably another 500) and maybe a roll or two (300) to wipe the plate and make sure I sopped up every last calorie. And how can we forget dessert??? How about a little family outing to Tasty Treat, hey the kids are glad to indulge Dad's "idea"! A cone of orange sherbet, soft serve (the best!) - (probably 300-400 cals). And by the way, I haven't even mentioned the little "bites" throughout the day - a few chips here, a cookie there - no doubt another few hundred calories

I don't think I'm exaggerating. It's a miracle I can fit through doorways given the way I was eating. You'd think I'd been living in constant fear of an imminent famine, or training hard to unseat the incumbent Guiness record-holder for world's fattest man. Honestly, what the heck?

So clearly, there is no going back. The sooner I realize this "diet" I'm on will never end, the happier I will be. Ironically the modern-day connotations of the word "diet" are inherently self-defeating. Diets don't fail because they don't work. Diets fail because people stop the diet and then gain the weight back. DUH!

Actually I'm optimistic. The many diets I have tried have all failed for fundamentally the same reason - they are too hard to follow. Weight Watchers (when I did it) was way too complicated, there were way too many rules and restrictions and there was way too much counting stuff. The Mike D diet, while super-effective, was not a practical lifestyle diet for me. Having oatmeal every day and NO CARBS for the rest of the day, and three protein shakes throughout the day, is just too hard to integrate with the rest of my life - work, travel, vacations, etc. This diet I'm doing now is much easier, in the sense that the foods are widely varied, widely available, and largely interchangeable. I am diligently counting, via MyFoodDiary, and watching the fat grams and total calories - but I can see how, over time, I will just "get used" to eating this way, and at some point I won't have to "count" any more. And then, it won't be a diet, it'll be a lifestyle!

The Great Outdoors

Ahhh, the great outdoors! Had a much-needed change of pace this weekend. I packed up the ol' family cruiser, and took my three little boys camping this weekend. Just dad and the boys. I'm not a big outdoorsy-type, but I have to say, this trip was exactly what I needed. For forty-eight whole hours I didn't need to go anywhere, do anything, worry about what anything costs, look at a computer, or think about my diet!

What we did do was:

Built campfires!

Looked for bugs!

Swam in the pond!

Frolicked in the river!

...and generally goofed around.

Dang, we had the rootin'est, tootin'est greatest time we've had in a long time.

Anyway as far as the diet goes, I fared pretty well. We did, after all, have to eat:

I am proud to say we did not persist merely on hot dogs and marshmallows (well, the kids may have). No sirree, I packed some sensible vittles for this outing. Friday night was campfire-roasted chicken sausages (yum!). Saturday breakfast was whole wheat cranberry muffins, bananas, and oranges. Lunch was peanut butter and jelly. And dinner was a low-fat ziti and broccoli with cheese sauce (very tasty recipe from the Alli cookbook). We did attend a pancake breakfast on Sunday, but hey I'm not sweatin' it. Meanwhile and needless to say, I got my share of "movement" throughout the weekend - hauling gear, climbing hills, and generally chasing after the kids all weekend.

All in all things are cookin' along here just fine. My next weigh-in is Wednesday, we'll see if those pancakes went straight from the lips to the hips or not...

Let's Get Moving!

So my friend Chris B. runs this cool startup company that pays people to walk. That's right, they pay. You. To walk.

Actually it's not quite that simple. They sell incentive-based wellness programs to large corporations who want their employees to be more fit. The pitch goes something like this:

• unfit workers cost you more (through decreased productivity and increased health care costs)
• thus you want to get your workers fit
• studies have shown that the best way to get unfit people fit is not through dieting, but by getting them active
• therefore you want to get your workers active
• and the most effective way to do that is to pay them!

The company goes in and sets up and runs the program which involves kiosks for monitoring vital stats e.g. weight, blood pressure, etc., and tracking activity levels - which at this point is largely focused on tracking steps through "smart" pedometers. Then they set up incentive programs which reward increase in activity levels. Rewards may be additional time off, or cold hard cash.

So I was fascinated as Chris explained all this to me last Friday night over dinner, especially the stats about the percentage of the population which is considered sedentary (65-70%!!!!), the incremental cost (to a company) of worker inactivity ($2400 per inactive worker per year), and the effectiveness of the program in getting people to lose weight and keep it off.

Perhaps most interesting were some of the tidbits Chris shared with me about his own personal transformation from sendentary to active. He is now religious about wearing his pedometer and has increased his daily step count from below 3000 (sedentary) to over 8000, by doing very simple things. He takes the stairs (ok we've all heard that one). When he meets with coworkers he often does so by taking a walk rather than sitting in a conference room (why not???). At night he walks on his treadmill while watching movies. All of these little things have made a huge impact in his energy level (even I noticed, he looks great).

Talking to Chris was definitely an eye-opener for me, and an inspiration. I also got a great note from fellow fat-blogger Tony who said that walking every day has been a cornerstone of his success.

So here's the deal. I have to get moving. For a variety of reasons (work, moving, money) I have not rejoined the gym yet. But walking is the answer, at least for now. I am ready to commit to walking for at least 30 minutes a day, at least five days a week. I'm also going to look into getting a pedometer and tracking my daily activity. I would love to find ways to build more activity into my every day life. Meanwhile, I'll be walking...

Back on Track

Whew feels like forever since I posted. Between the long weekend and then being slammed with work yesterday, I haven't had time. Anyway things are crawling along here with the diet.

The weekend was difficult but I am glad to say I didn't totally implode. Friday night we had dinner out with some friends at a terrific little steak house in Shrewsbury that neither my wife nor I had known about. I was definitely off plan but not too bad - split a tomato and mozarella salad and some sushi for apps, then had a red snapper dish with some veggies on the side for dinner. I picked off my wife's dessert (superb pecan tart) but for the most part was pretty restrained. Saturday night we were out again, dinner with at my cousin's house. Unfortunately I didn't fare so well that night, I sortof overdid it on the chips and salsa, and that led to a bit of a landslide with a double helping (at least) of steak tips, potato chips, mac and cheese, and I also I got a bit carried away on the creme fraiche dollops over my grilled peach dessert. I think I redeemed myself somewhat by fasting for 2 meals on Sunday (church thing), and only had a couple of grilled chicken snack wraps from McD's (we were on the road) for dinner. Monday I was back on track.

For this morning's weigh in, the scale rewarded me with a 1.1 pound loss for the week. Not great, but a loss nonetheless. Have to put the hammer down this week and stay on track. This weekend may be difficult as we're going camping, which will limit food options a bit. Maybe I'll just eat what I can forage (e.g. berries and tree bark).