MAJOR MALFUNCTION

We interrupt this program to report A MAJOR MALFUNCTION!!!

I am sorry to report that since my last post on 9/20 (twenty days ago!) I have GONE OFF THE RAIL. Regressed. Fallen off the wagon. Reverted to my not-so-former evil ways. Partaken of the forbidden fruit (and pizza, and candy, and nasty fast food). Abandoned ship!

I have no excuse for having taken leave of my senses. I am clearly weak and deranged. Perhaps I have a death wish? I don't know how it started, but it did. The "switch" turned off, and I just didn't feel like putting forth the effort involved. I didn't feel like planning and executing the healthy eating plan. I didn't feel like sacrificing or abstaining from tempting (but bad) food choices. I felt like indulging - whatever, whenever.

(Warning: Rationalization approaching...) I suppose it could have been worse. In 3 weeks I gained 3.7 pounds, which merely erased my last "good" week's loss. Today's weight is 315.1 pounds, which puts me 1.1 pounds over my "pace" goal of 314 (I have computed a "pace" line from my start date of 8/22/07 through my end date of 11/12/08, assuming a 2 pound per week loss and an end goal of 200). So, while not ruinous, it has (depressingly) put me "behind the curve", which means I have to double-time it to catch up.

So, here I am - on the road to recovery. Needless to say I am not feeling good about things, but I have to (re-)start somewhere. At the very least, I did step on the scale this morning, and here I am, posting to the blog again. I have a healthy eating plan on deck for today, and packed myself some healthy food options for lunch and snacks. Back to the grind...

Apathy

I think apathy may very well be the obese dieter's worst enemy. Somewhere along the line, you seem to forget about the rock-bottom feelings of utter fatness and despair, and just stop caring. Sometimes this is a momentary lapse, like a night out or a weekend binge. Worst case, a weekend binge turns into a few days turns into a few weeks, and before you know it, you're back where you started - or worse.

So it was for me yesterday. It started in the morning with an incomplete breakfast which left me feeling hungry at about 9am. I find that if I don't have a good breakfast, it throws off my entire day. Even if I make up the calories with a mid morning snack, I seem to retain that psychological scar of feeling hungry throughout the day.

Of course I also had a great weigh in yesterday. Ironically, a great weigh-in can erode my willpower, by helping me feel like I have a license to indulge. After all, I'm doing great! Way ahead of plan! Go ahead, live a little! Talk about EVIL thoughts!

Meanwhile I had a bad day yesterday. There's been alot of conflict in my life lately, mostly with personal relationships i.e. friends and family. Yesterday there was another incident involving conflict. Actually I was only indirectly involved - the incident was between my wife and a friend, but it affects both of us, so I got caught up in it. The whole thing left me feeling perplexed, as to why I seem to be experiencing so much conflict in my life, and this made me feel a bit depressed.

So went the perfect storm: hungry + depressed + license to indulge = recipe for failure. In reflecting on it, I think I was really just feeling apathetic. I just didn't care. I didn't care about counting calories, measuring portions, or exercising willpower. I just didn't feel like thinking about any of it. I think this is hard for most "normal" people to understand. If you've never tried to diet - seriously diet - for a long period of time, you don't realize: committment to a diet requires a near-constant expenditure of mental energy, as every morsel that passes your lips must be carefully considered. I might even venture to say that this is what sets dieting apart from other types of behavior modification, like quitting smoking or drinking. In the latter cases, for the most part it is possible to entirely avoid the subjects - just don't hang out with smokers or drinkers (I know, I'm over-simplifying, but I'm trying to make a point). With dieting, on the other hand, you must constantly think about the source of your pain: food. If you stop caring for one nanosecond about what goes in your mouth, you're on the road to failure. Hence, apathy is the dieter's worst enemy.

Unfortunately I think for many this is unavoidable. I, for one, am not capable of sustaining this level of focused mental energy for very long. My strategy is to mitigate the risk through pre-emptive damage control. For me, that means keeping healthy food options on hand at all times, so when I do lapse into apathy, the potential damage is contained. This strategy seemed to work pretty well yesterday. The only snack I have at the office is Quaker rice cakes. Ok, so I had six of them. A bit overboard, but what the heck - only 50 calories apiece. Likewise at home, my freezer is stocked with Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches, about 100 calories apiece. And my fridge is stocked with fruit. And my pantry has plenty of 100-calorie snack packs (like those new Oreo crisps). So fine, I'm hungry and reaching for something to satisfy the hunger and not really caring what it is, so fine, it's 100 calories. Problem neutralized!

Meanwhile, I am ready to shock myself back on track this morning. Even writing this entry has been therapeutic. Already, I am motivated to stay on plan today, and most importantly: I care what goes into my mouth today. Phew!

It's Working!

Ok, pinch me! The diet (ahem...new lifestyle) ACTUALLY SEEMS TO BE WORKING! It's weigh-in day today, and I was rewarded with another BIG DROP on the scale. Today's weight was 311.4, a total of 3.8 pounds lost since last week. WOW!

In related news, I grabbed a pair of Dockers from my closet this morning - a pair I haven't worn in probably 2 months - and lo and behold, THEY'RE TOO BIG! Major milestone achieved: I now have exactly 1 item to forever banish in the FAT CLOTHES pile. Better yet, I was able to fit into a nice pair of slacks I haven't worn in probably a year. Progress! Major progress!

I am celebrating by packing two of my wife's delicious Toll House cookies, just baked last night, in my lunch today. I know, I know - don't celebrate with food. Bla bla bla. Whoever made up that rule can bite me! I'm gettin skinnier by the minute here! WOO HOOO!

Still Alive!

I'm still alive! Haven't had time to post for the past few days but I am indeed alive and kickin.

Things are going well. I am definitely feeling "in the groove" with respect to the food plan. They say it takes 21 days to make a habit. I'm not sure if that's true (I can make a habit of eating Ben and Jerry's in about 3 nanoseconds), but I do feel like I have a routine going here. Ways I can tell:

• The weekly menu planning and shopping is taking considerable less time. I think it took me 3-4 hours the first week, but I think I've got it down to less than 1 hour (including online shopping via peapod.com).
• I'm not phased by glitches in the plan. Case in point, our office microwave went kaput last week. This makes it tough to eat Lean Cuisines (those little lowfat pizzas just don't make it as popsicles). However an easy remedy was a trip to the building caf to pick up a salad with fat free dressing.
• On a related note, I am improvising pretty well. Case in point, my partner and I took a client to a Sox game last week. I had no idea in advance where we would end up for dinner. We ended up at a sports bar near Fenway Park, and I was able to find a grilled chicken sandwich (no mayo) with lettuce and tomato, with a small (1/2 cup) side of cole slaw. Tasty dinner, no oddball looks from the gang, and "on plan".
• I am finding I can stay on plan pretty well without running to a computer after every meal to make entries in myfooddiary. In fact I've even gone a couple of days without recording food (gasp!). A couple of times I went back to record entries for past days and found I was hitting my calorie quota almost dead-on.
• I am definitely not feeling overly taxed, inconvenienced, or deprived by this food plan. If asked today, I would definitely say this is something I can live with forever.

Meanwhile I am "feeling" a bit skinnier. The slacks and shirts feel a tad looser. This is a huge payoff for me - I have always derived great pleasure from the improvement in the way my clothes fit (or look). Can't wait to drop a pants size!

Thanks to everyone who has been reading my blog and particularly those who have posted comments. The support really helps!

Top 100 Reasons I Want to Lose Weight

In reading a fellow fat-blogger Half-Man's post on "secrets" to weight loss this morning, it occurred to me that I have been remiss in really articulating my inspiration for my new lifestyle. I've mentioned it in passing a few times but never really expounded - or, for that matter, really thought about it that much lately.

I suppose it's self-evident, when you are over 100 pounds overweight. Self-preservation should undoubtedly top the list. I mean really, if you're that fat, the chances are approximately a gazillion times higher that you'll die from some weight-related issue like heart attack, diabetes, or asphyxiating yourself while attempting to tie your shoes.

So I dug up this old document I composed a little over a year ago, when I was feeling really depressed about my weight and contemplating yet another soon-to-fail diet. As I reread the document, I cringed a bit at some of the memories it brought back to mind, but simultaneously realized that this is exactly what I need: a reminder, of what I want to leave behind, and where I want to go.

So without further ado, I am enclosing a copy of the document, titled "Top 100 Reasons I Want to Lose Weight", herein. Enjoy...

1. I want to feel better.



2. I want to feel better about myself.



3. I am tired of being fat.



4. I am tired of looking wretched.



5. I am tired of my clothes not fitting.



6. I don’t want to die young.



7. I want to be around for my children.



8. I want to enjoy a long life with my wife.



9. I want to serve a mission.



10. I want to go to the beach.



11. I want to play in the pool with my kids.



12. I am tired of feeling tired.



13. I want to have better sex.



14. I am tired of failing.



15. I don’t want my kids to feel embarrassed by me.



16. I want my wife to be proud of me.



17. Food is fuel.



18. I want to change my bad habits.



19. I want to feel empowered by being able to change.



20. I want to obey the Word of Wisdom.



21. I want to go on amusement park rides with my kids.



22. I want to try snorkeling.



23. I want to try and scuba diving.



24. I want my friends to say “you look great”.



25. I am tired of feeling old.



26. I want to climb Mount Monadnock.



27. I am tired of having a big belly.



28. I want to shower at the gym without feeling embarrassed.



29. I want to run around with my kids without getting tired.



30. I am tired of having sore knees.



31. I want to spend less money on food.



32. I want to spend less time on food.



33. I want my wife to be able to hug me.



34. I want to look good in pictures.



35. I want to have a strong body in case of emergency.



36. I want to regain my confidence.



37. I want to be able to buy clothes in regular stores.



38. I want to start re-building my wardrobe.



39. I want to go skiing.



40. I want to have more patience and less stress.



41. I miss the feeling of a satisfying workout.



42. I want to win a contest.



43. I am tired of having a sore back.



44. I want to be a good example for my kids.



45. I want my kids to have better eating and exercise habits also.



46. I want to have an active family.



47. I don’t want to have a heart attack.



48. I want to feel comfortable naked.



49. I want to be strong.



50. I am tired of flab.



51. I want to go jet skiing.



52. I want to try water skiing.



53. I don’t want to be a statistic.



54. I want to know how it feels to be in shape.



55. I don’t want my wife to worry about me.



56. I want to make a good first impression.



57. I want to have more energy.



58. My body is a blessing, I need to respect it.



59. I want to fit in an airplane seat.



60. I don’t like my kids to call me fat.



61. My wife wants me to look hot in a bathing suit.



62. Dang I want to look hot in a bathing suit.



63. Come to think of it I’d be happy to fit into a bathing suit.



64. I want to take control of my life starting with this.



65. I want to build better willpower and self-discipline.



66. I don’t want to break furniture when I sit on it.



67. I want to see my toes.



68. I want to be able to use on a regular bathroom scale.



69. I want it to be easier to tie my shoes.



70. I want to sleep better.



71. I want to find my “six pack”.



72. I want to lose the “spare tire”.



73. I don’t want to become diabetic.



74. I am tired of asthma.



75. I am tired of obsessing about food.



76. I want my dream to come true.



77. I want my prayers to be answered.



78. I don’t want to run the marathon but I do want to know that I could.



79. My wife misses my skinny face.



80. I want to be a Mike D success story!



81. I want my picture up at Body Evolver.



82. I want to fit into my cool ski jacket.



83. I hate my double chin.



84. I want to fit into logo ware like an AYL windbreaker!



85. I want a comfortable pair of jeans!



86. I don’t want to labor over food choices.



87. I want to see my grandchildren.



88. I want to be there for my grandchildren.



89. I want to inspire others.



90. I’m tired of tummy aches from bad food.



91. I want to dance at weddings.



92. I want to walk, not waddle.



93. I want to climb stairs without getting tired.



94. I want to carry my kids without getting tired.



95. I don’t want to be a “girlie man”



96. I want to project strength, not weakness



97. I am tired of sweating when sitting still.



98. Eat to live, not live to eat.



99. I hate the flab under my arms.



100. Did I mention better sex?

On A Roll...

Well, it's official - I'm on a roll!

Today marks week 3, and this morning's weigh-in did not disappoint. I'm down to 315.2, for a grand total loss of 14.8 pounds in 3 weeks. Boo-yah!

All is happy here in fatland. Once again I realize that this pace is not likely to continue much longer, so I will GLOAT NOW WHILE I CAN!

I think the key for me here is to feel good about the success, but not rest on my laurels. I must continue to be diligent to the point of anal retentive, for now at least, about what enters my piehole. Anyone can be successful for 3 weeks. I need to take the long term view, so I can be successful for the rest of my life. I need all the momentum I can get right now. I need to bank all that mental feel-good mojo and build up a reservoir that I can draw on when things get tough, which - without a doubt - they will!

So for now, yippee-ki-yay and all that. I rock. I am a rock. I will soon be built like a rock. Rock on!

It's Not a Diet -- It's a Lifestyle!

At some point I have to face the fact. This new eating plan of mine is not a "diet" per se. Well it is a diet in the literal sense, in that the foods one eats constitutes one's diet. But "diet", to me, and I think in common use, connotes a temporary change to the way one eats. As in "I'm going on a diet tomorrow, now please pass the hot fudge" OR "yeah I tried that diet, but after awhile I just got tired of eating all that bacon."

But a thought occurred to me yesterday as I passed by my old McDonald's (I say "my" because I think the franchise owner owes me stock given the amount of miles I logged at the drive-thru). This "diet" I'm on needs to stick. I can never go back to the way I used to eat.

I must admit I felt a twinge of nostalgia for the care-free days of free-for-all eating. But the fond memory was short lived, as I quickly realized a) how FAT that behavior has made me, and b) how gross my eating habits really were.

To give you a sense of what I'm talking about, let's step into the wayback machine for a trip down memory lane, and look at a day in the life of fat me. After the morning routine I would typically head downstairs for breakfast. While getting breakfast together I might whet my palate with last night's leftover goodies - maybe 2 or 3 toll house cookies (150-225 cals) or a brownie (300 cals). Breakfast might consist of a big bowl (or TWO!) of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal (250-500 cals) with whole milk (150-300 cals) and a tall glass of OJ (200 cals). Then I'd head to the office and of course pop in to the cafeteria to pick up a little something, like a poppy seed muffin (~400 cals) -- ya know, to "tide me over" through the morning. Back to the caf for lunch...a plate of whatever looks good, like the double hot dog plate with curly fries (easily 700 cals), and of course a tasty dessert like a big fat brownie (300 cals). Are we fat yet? During the afternoon I might snack on some of the treats I stashed in my desk drawer, like half a sack of Jelly Bellys or half a big Cadbury Fruit and Nut bar (400 cals). Uy, I can hear my heart begging for mercy. Dinner might be a helping or two or three of bowtie pasta with meat sauce (easily 500 cals) and a big salad loaded with croutons and feta cheese and plenty of dressing (probably another 500) and maybe a roll or two (300) to wipe the plate and make sure I sopped up every last calorie. And how can we forget dessert??? How about a little family outing to Tasty Treat, hey the kids are glad to indulge Dad's "idea"! A cone of orange sherbet, soft serve (the best!) - (probably 300-400 cals). And by the way, I haven't even mentioned the little "bites" throughout the day - a few chips here, a cookie there - no doubt another few hundred calories

I don't think I'm exaggerating. It's a miracle I can fit through doorways given the way I was eating. You'd think I'd been living in constant fear of an imminent famine, or training hard to unseat the incumbent Guiness record-holder for world's fattest man. Honestly, what the heck?

So clearly, there is no going back. The sooner I realize this "diet" I'm on will never end, the happier I will be. Ironically the modern-day connotations of the word "diet" are inherently self-defeating. Diets don't fail because they don't work. Diets fail because people stop the diet and then gain the weight back. DUH!

Actually I'm optimistic. The many diets I have tried have all failed for fundamentally the same reason - they are too hard to follow. Weight Watchers (when I did it) was way too complicated, there were way too many rules and restrictions and there was way too much counting stuff. The Mike D diet, while super-effective, was not a practical lifestyle diet for me. Having oatmeal every day and NO CARBS for the rest of the day, and three protein shakes throughout the day, is just too hard to integrate with the rest of my life - work, travel, vacations, etc. This diet I'm doing now is much easier, in the sense that the foods are widely varied, widely available, and largely interchangeable. I am diligently counting, via MyFoodDiary, and watching the fat grams and total calories - but I can see how, over time, I will just "get used" to eating this way, and at some point I won't have to "count" any more. And then, it won't be a diet, it'll be a lifestyle!

The Great Outdoors

Ahhh, the great outdoors! Had a much-needed change of pace this weekend. I packed up the ol' family cruiser, and took my three little boys camping this weekend. Just dad and the boys. I'm not a big outdoorsy-type, but I have to say, this trip was exactly what I needed. For forty-eight whole hours I didn't need to go anywhere, do anything, worry about what anything costs, look at a computer, or think about my diet!

What we did do was:

Built campfires!

Looked for bugs!

Swam in the pond!

Frolicked in the river!

...and generally goofed around.

Dang, we had the rootin'est, tootin'est greatest time we've had in a long time.

Anyway as far as the diet goes, I fared pretty well. We did, after all, have to eat:

I am proud to say we did not persist merely on hot dogs and marshmallows (well, the kids may have). No sirree, I packed some sensible vittles for this outing. Friday night was campfire-roasted chicken sausages (yum!). Saturday breakfast was whole wheat cranberry muffins, bananas, and oranges. Lunch was peanut butter and jelly. And dinner was a low-fat ziti and broccoli with cheese sauce (very tasty recipe from the Alli cookbook). We did attend a pancake breakfast on Sunday, but hey I'm not sweatin' it. Meanwhile and needless to say, I got my share of "movement" throughout the weekend - hauling gear, climbing hills, and generally chasing after the kids all weekend.

All in all things are cookin' along here just fine. My next weigh-in is Wednesday, we'll see if those pancakes went straight from the lips to the hips or not...

Let's Get Moving!

So my friend Chris B. runs this cool startup company that pays people to walk. That's right, they pay. You. To walk.

Actually it's not quite that simple. They sell incentive-based wellness programs to large corporations who want their employees to be more fit. The pitch goes something like this:

• unfit workers cost you more (through decreased productivity and increased health care costs)
• thus you want to get your workers fit
• studies have shown that the best way to get unfit people fit is not through dieting, but by getting them active
• therefore you want to get your workers active
• and the most effective way to do that is to pay them!

The company goes in and sets up and runs the program which involves kiosks for monitoring vital stats e.g. weight, blood pressure, etc., and tracking activity levels - which at this point is largely focused on tracking steps through "smart" pedometers. Then they set up incentive programs which reward increase in activity levels. Rewards may be additional time off, or cold hard cash.

So I was fascinated as Chris explained all this to me last Friday night over dinner, especially the stats about the percentage of the population which is considered sedentary (65-70%!!!!), the incremental cost (to a company) of worker inactivity ($2400 per inactive worker per year), and the effectiveness of the program in getting people to lose weight and keep it off.

Perhaps most interesting were some of the tidbits Chris shared with me about his own personal transformation from sendentary to active. He is now religious about wearing his pedometer and has increased his daily step count from below 3000 (sedentary) to over 8000, by doing very simple things. He takes the stairs (ok we've all heard that one). When he meets with coworkers he often does so by taking a walk rather than sitting in a conference room (why not???). At night he walks on his treadmill while watching movies. All of these little things have made a huge impact in his energy level (even I noticed, he looks great).

Talking to Chris was definitely an eye-opener for me, and an inspiration. I also got a great note from fellow fat-blogger Tony who said that walking every day has been a cornerstone of his success.

So here's the deal. I have to get moving. For a variety of reasons (work, moving, money) I have not rejoined the gym yet. But walking is the answer, at least for now. I am ready to commit to walking for at least 30 minutes a day, at least five days a week. I'm also going to look into getting a pedometer and tracking my daily activity. I would love to find ways to build more activity into my every day life. Meanwhile, I'll be walking...

Back on Track

Whew feels like forever since I posted. Between the long weekend and then being slammed with work yesterday, I haven't had time. Anyway things are crawling along here with the diet.

The weekend was difficult but I am glad to say I didn't totally implode. Friday night we had dinner out with some friends at a terrific little steak house in Shrewsbury that neither my wife nor I had known about. I was definitely off plan but not too bad - split a tomato and mozarella salad and some sushi for apps, then had a red snapper dish with some veggies on the side for dinner. I picked off my wife's dessert (superb pecan tart) but for the most part was pretty restrained. Saturday night we were out again, dinner with at my cousin's house. Unfortunately I didn't fare so well that night, I sortof overdid it on the chips and salsa, and that led to a bit of a landslide with a double helping (at least) of steak tips, potato chips, mac and cheese, and I also I got a bit carried away on the creme fraiche dollops over my grilled peach dessert. I think I redeemed myself somewhat by fasting for 2 meals on Sunday (church thing), and only had a couple of grilled chicken snack wraps from McD's (we were on the road) for dinner. Monday I was back on track.

For this morning's weigh in, the scale rewarded me with a 1.1 pound loss for the week. Not great, but a loss nonetheless. Have to put the hammer down this week and stay on track. This weekend may be difficult as we're going camping, which will limit food options a bit. Maybe I'll just eat what I can forage (e.g. berries and tree bark).

The First Setback

It's like a switch.

I have noticed something about my commitment to dieting. It's like a switch. Either on or off. I am either totally cruising, no sweat, minimal effort, everything's good - OR - I'm off kilter, starving, and feeling frustrated and deprived.

Which is how I felt last night, when I had my first "off track" moment so far.

Fortunately the damage was pretty well contained. We scarcely have any "bad" food in the house, so my infractions were largely limited to diet food. I started with a 1/2 cup of fat free frozen yogurt, which was supposed to be my last snack of the day. But for some reason that didn't satisfy the beast, so I went on to wolf down:

• 3 Quaker Apple and Cinnamon Rice Cakes
• 2 Stella Doro Anisette Sponge cookies
• 2 Snackwells Devil's Food Cake cookies
• A few bites of Edy's Butter Pecan ice cream

Not so bad, right?

Well, not so bad from a caloric standpoint. But I was feeling quite glum afterwards. This was a bit of a psychological/emotional setback for me. Up until that point, nothing had passed my lips except for the exact amounts of the exact foods on my well planned menu. So here we are on day 8, already off-roading.

On one hand I should not be so hard on myself. I can't expect to execute the plan perfectly.

On the other hand, this was a binge, however small, and I want to eradicate binge eating from my behavioral repertoire. I am fine going off plan, provided I plan on it. Like, for instance, tonight. Susan and I are having dinner out with some dear friends. Now I will not take this opportunity to go off the rails on some indulgent rampage, but for heaven's sake - I'm going out for dinner, I expect my meal will contain more than 15 grams of fat and 400 calories. That's fine, I'm planning it. What I don't need to do, EVER, is sit here in my house, thinking to myself I'm hungry dangit and I'm going to eat whatever I jolly well please. That is a loss of self control. Not good. Not good. That is how I ended up where I'm at.

Anyway, enough flogging myself. I am looking forward to a terrific weekend with the fam and have lots of fun stuff lined up. I just need to take it one day at a time...

Adipose

My adversary has a name, and that name is adipose.

For some reason I have been fixated this week on how fat loss occurs, physiologically speaking. As though known that will somehow help me lose weight. Uy.

Actually, I have this irrational (well, not totally irrational) fear that I will hit an untimely plateau in my weight loss efforts, fall off the wagon in a fit of disgust, and yo-yo back and beyond my peak weight. If that happens, again, I have a feeling it'll kill me this time. Like my heart will just up and keel over with an anticlimactic whimper.

Anyway, I've done a bit of reading this week, and learned the following:

• Fat is stored in the body in the form of lipoproteins (triglycerides) stored in cells known as adipocytes aka adipose tissue
• Fat is "mobilized" (released from fat cells) through a process called lipolysis
• Excercise helps lipolysis (interesting!)
• When you lose weight, adipocytes shrink, but don't necessarily go away. Thus you can be left with a panniculus (literally: apron of skin)

So that last item perturbs me somewhat. It is a bit depressing to think that I will go through all this trouble to lose weight, and still not look so hot with my shirt off. Oh well I guess I'll jump off that bridge when I come to it. At least I'll be healthy.

It was also interesting to learn that bit about how exercise helps lipolysis. It has something to do with how epinephrine stimulates lipolysis, and how this process works better when there is an increase in body temperature and concentration of epinephrine in the bloodstream. Makes me want to go for a walk!

Meanwhile all of this is somewhat academic, and doesn't really answer my nagging question about hitting a plateau. I still think the answer to that lies in maintaining (or increasing) your metabolic rate, by avoiding loss of lean muscle tissue, or - even better - gaining lean muscle tissue. This is reminiscent of the Mike D philosophy of why strength training is so important to dieters.

All of this leads me to the inevitable conclusion: it's time for me to get off my fat !@#$ and get to the gym.

Yeah baby yeah!

Break out the champagne! (Actually, I don't drink, so break out the chocolate milk) Wooooo hoooooo! Oh yeah, oh yeah!

So, my weigh in went pretty well this morning. I'm down to 319.5, a massive one week drop of 10.5 pounds! Hah!

Ok, ok, I know it won't last. But I get to enjoy this moment. It's the exact mental nourishment I need right now to prepare me for the impending death march which I will surely tire of in short order! So, I will savor this fleeting moment while it lasts!

Rationally, I know that most likely, much of this is the oft-discussed "water weight" that is shed at the start of a diet. The geniuses at GlaxoSmithKline need to figure out how to apply the "water weight" loss mechanism to fat, so that instead of your body releasing water, it releases fat. Wouldn't that be swell if we could just void away all the excess fat instead of having to metabolize it all? Metabolism is waaaay too slow!

Food Prep Blues

Now I remember what I hated about my last diet: all the food prep.

Truth is, I love the food I'm eating. It's delicious and healthy. Not sure if I mentioned it already but the food plan I am following is basically taken (almost verbatim) from the The alli Diet Plan by Caroline Apovian. The menu planning was a tad tricky, but mostly because I am trying to synchronize my 1800 calorie per day plan with Susan's 1200 per day plan. The book makes this pretty simple since all the sample diet menus have 1200, 1500, and 1800 calorie versions - however there are differences between them which are sometimes big (like different foods for the same meal). Anyway I was able to rationalize the menus pretty easily by making some reasonable substitutions so that Susan and I are eating the same food (BTW we are also subjecting the kids to the same menu - so far, they're buying it!).

So like I said the food is great. Today's lineup was as follows:

Breakfast

• Two Eggo Nutrigrain Waffles with Lite syrup
• Dannon La Creme Yogurt
• A cup of OJ

Lunch

• Grilled Shrimp with Corn-Tomato salad (really tasty)
• Dinner roll
• 1/4 of a cantaloupe

Snack

• Jello fat-free pudding

Dinner

• Chicken Paprikash
• Egg noodles
• Peas

Dessert

• 2 Stella Doro Sponge cookies

All in all very satisfying. But here's the rub. I must've spent 2 hours on meal prep today. I am a father of six kids and run my own IT business. I don't have 2 hours per day to prep food. Who does?

Now I remember. I noticed this last time. I was totally hummin along with the diet, but it frustrated me that I needed to spend so much time thinking about food. In fact I think I am spending substantially more time thinking about food now than I did when I wasn't dieting. Between the menu planning, the shopping, the meal prep, etc. - sometimes it seems I am always thinking about food. Aren't I supposed to be moving away from obsessing about food?!?!

I guess I already know the answers. First off I guess if I do this long enough it will become the way I eat, so I won't have to think about it as much. Along the way, I'll need to find shortcuts that save me time. For example I can't be cooking lunch and dinner from scratch every day. No can do. I'll have to get smart about advanced prep e.g. making double portions and saving, repeating the same menu 2 or 3 days a week, etc.

Meanwhile I guess I have to slog through it. Oh well, at least I'm eating well.

p.s. big day tomorrow: the first official weigh-in since liftoff...

Wow We're FAT

Holy cow we are fat.

I just read this article "Obesity rates climb in most states" from the AP newswire. Among other SCARY statistics, I learned that obesity rates climbed in 31 states last year. And Mississippi bears the dubious honor of being the first state to crack the 30% barrier. Thirty percent!!! Nearly one third of all adults in the state of Mississippi are obese! YIKES!

The sick and twisted side of me finds some solace in this news. Like hahaha guess what tubbo's, who's fat now? Everyone!!! So buzz off and quit looking at me like I'm weird!!! And then there's the misery loves company angle. Like: yep, we're all fat. Sucks, huh?

But seriously this is really bad news. The article goes on to call this a public health crisis. Uh, like, yah! You think?

Question is, what to do about it. Politicians will soon be falling all over themselves to fix this problem. But this isn't really like big tobacco, is it? There are no smoking guns this time. Well, there are, but what are you going to do, prosecute ALL the food suppliers? And for what? Because M&M's or Big Macs are addictive? Can't wait to see them try to prove that one in

Unlike cigarettes, which were proven to contain addictive chemicals, food is not chemically addictive (except maybe Doritos). The bigger problem is fixing the addictive behavior. Now I consider myself pretty well off: I'm well educated, great family, decent income, good support network, etc. - and I've tried and failed to correct my eating problems for at least 25 years. If a guy like me can't do it, how are we going to fix 30% of the population?

Well enough save-the-world blather. Let's talk about my favorite subject: me. On day 6 of the diet, and still going super great. The diet is totally mint - nothing has passed my lips except what is on my 1800 calorie per day menu. I am getting by without feeling overly hungry, and am feeling very good about the food I'm eating. I even sat around while my wife made homemade Toll House Cookies for the kids on Sunday and didn't even sneak a taste. Definitely a major accomplishment for me. Anyway I am hoping this lasts for awhile. I am dreading the inevitable onslaught of temptation and the slipperly slope of the little cheats. May these unholy phenomenon never again come to pass!

I Feel Good

I feel good.

I know everyone hates dieting, and it is EXCRUTIATINGLY hard at times, and you have days (like my wife did yesterday) where you're starving and have a headache and your kids are eating all your diet food and you're ready to raid the pantry and eat anything in sight.

And I know there are long stretches where it feels like you'll never lose weight and dieting sucks and the scale isn't moving and you feel like it's TOTALLY NOT WORTH IT.

And I know there are cheat days when you just couldn't help yourself and you were at that party and boy don't those little meatballs look yummy and pretty soon you've plated up a dessert "sampler" plate with "just a little taste" of everything and by the end you're all "whoa I blew it life is over".

Which is precisely why I need to make this post. I need to remember this feeling, right here, right now. This is the ever-evasive "feeling good about dieting" feeling.

Contrary to popular belief, dieting has its moments. I'm not talking about all those people ranting and raving about how they "did it" and lost hundreds of pounds years ago and kept it off and are now fitness buffs and blah blah blah and how their diets were so easy and great. (Those people make you want to eat a dozen Krispy Kremes and then vomit them up all over them. Incidentally, I want to be one of those people).

No the diet moments are few and far between, but a good weigh-in, the loose clothes, fitting into long lost skinny clothes -- those my friends are the moments we cherish.

But here's another one. Whenever I first start a diet, assuming it's a real diet and not another who-am-I kidding diet, I almost always experience this epiphany of physical well being. Within a few days I can already feel a subtle boost of energy, a little spring in my step. I feel less bloated, less, well...full of food. With evenly spaced, nutritionally balanced meals, my energy level feels less erratic. When meal time arrives, lo and behold: I'm actually really hungry! No sugar highs, food comas, etc. All of those negative consequences of poor eating are real - but over time they become really hard to discern because you get used to them. But cut over to an actual healthy diet, and your body rewards you. Unfortunately, the reward becomes really hard to discern as well, because you get used to it as well. And there's the rub. And for me, it is the evil enabler of relapse: forgetting how crappy you feel when you eat like crap.

So lest I ever forget again, let me emphatically declare this simple truth: eating well makes me feel good. Amen.

"Morbidly Obese"? Sheesh!

I'm morbidly obese.

In perusing a few blogs from fellow soldiers in the weight loss battle, I came across a great idea on Oinkstop - Adventures in Weight Loss. In her sidebar, this intrepid lady has courageously posted her mini-goals which consist of her weight targets in terms of BMI categories.

BMI stands for Body Mass Index, which is basically a height/weight ratio calculated by dividing your weight by the square of your height. The resulting number is your Body Mass Index, which gives a rough idea of how fat you are.

The World Health Organization has created a set of categories for BMI, which are as follows:

• A BMI less than 18.5 is underweight
• A BMI of 18.5–24.9 is normal weight
• A BMI of 25.0–29.9 is overweight
• A BMI of 30.0–39.9 is obese
• A BMI of 40.0 or higher is severely (or morbidly) obese

Isn't that special?

Well I'm 6'1" tall, so after some quick arithmetic I've calculated by BMI is 43.5, which, according to the WHO, makes me "severely (or morbidly) obese" (in layman's terms: WICKED FAT).

Man talk about wicked depressing. I mean who ever came up with "morbidly"? Dictionary.com has the following definition for morbidly:

1. suggesting an unhealthy mental state or attitude; unwholesomely gloomy, sensitive, extreme, etc.: a morbid interest in death.
2. affected by, caused by, causing, or characteristic of disease.
3. pertaining to diseased parts: morbid anatomy.
4. gruesome; grisly.

Oh ho ho, gotta love that. Let's see: "unhealthy mental state": check. "Unwholesomely gloomy": hmm, sometimes. "sensitive": surely. "extreme": always. "gruesome": hah - sure!

Anyway, taking a page from Oinkstop's playbook, I've come up with my own list of mini-goals based on the WHO categories. Here's the skinny:

Weight Categories for a 6'1 Person

Weight	BMI	Category
303 and up	>40	Extremely Obese
302	39.8	Obese
227	29.9	Overweight
189	24.9	Normal

So the first mini-goal is 302. If I can keep blazing at a clip of 2 pounds a week, I should be there by the 28th of November. Well Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas to me, I'll only be Obese!

Oh, one other realization: my 200 pound goal, while a nice round number, still leaves me "Overweight". It'll be another 11 before I'm "Normal".

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeew. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

p.s. day 1 went swimmingly and day 2 is proceeding equally well; feeling very good about myself, more on that tomorrow.

We Have Liftoff

Well here I am, it's launch day. Day 1. The Big Drop officially begins today.

Above is the obligatory "before" picture. This shot was taken 2 weeks ago whilst I was on vacation with the fam in upstate New York. Fortunately it's not a full body shot, so it shouldn't crash your browser. One can clearly see the massive second chin and missing neck, indisputable evidence of my fatness. At some point I will take the embarrassing and hideous full body bathing suit before shot, to be promptly encrypted with a secret password nobody will ever know until I am wicked buff and can reminisce about my "old" self. Conveniently our camera is busted at the moment (there is a God) so that photo will not be weighing down my hard disk anytime soon.

I'm feeling good. I've got my food plan totally set - menu done, shopping done, everything locked and loaded. This is key for me. From past experience I know, the NANOSECOND I open the fridge or the pantry not PRECISELY sure what I'm looking for, I'm TOAST. I know myself. Browsing leads to tasting leads to grazing leads to a major problem. With a plan (i.e. a menu), I'm safe. If it ain't on the plan, I ain't eatin it. Hungry? No problem, I know when and what my next meal is. I'm good.

Exercise plan is still not totally baked. The crabby manager at my old club wanted to charge me a $199 "joining fee" to resume my membership, which - by the way - I had only cancelled THREE MONTH AGO. I asked her if they could waive the fee - she said they'd reduce it to $99 bucks. Sorry, not doing it, on principle. Health clubs perplex me. Here I am ready to pay them $75 bucks a month and having been a member in good standing (really good from their perspective: I paid my dues and never went!!!) and they want to rip me off. Forget that, I'll go to Gold's for $44 a month and no joining fee. Gold's isn't as cushy but who needs cushy, I'm there to sweat, right? Anyway I'll get this on track later this week. Friday. I'll do it Friday.

By the way, I did my first official weigh-in this morning. Dumb stupid scale registered 330 pounds. Remember all that stuff I said a couple days ago about scales? Forget that, this frickin scale is evil. Anyway whatever I'm not going to get hung up on it. 330 it is. Get ready to rumble...

Equilibrium

It's weird. As I've been gearing up for The Big Drop, I've been thinking about my past efforts, and one thing I've noticed is that I always seem to start from the same spot. For awhile, around my high school/college days, my weight seemed to gravitate around 309 pounds. I distinctly remember that weight because it was my weight the first time I ever checked in to Weight Watchers, which must've been right after I graduated high school. In the ensuing decade, I yo-yo'd down and right back up several times, but my peak weight hovered around that magic number. Then, sometime in my thirties, my weight started peaking out in the 320-330 range. In fact as I wrote yesterday, 326 seems to be my new magic number.

This strikes me as weird. Nutritionists and exercise physiologists will tell you that losing weight gain or loss is a simple equation of calories in minus calories out. If you consume more calories than you burn, then you gain wait. The other way around, and you lose. Simple enough.

But here's the weird thing. If this were true, then why would I ever reach any kind of equilibrium weight? Why wouldn't I continue to balloon? It's not as though, on the "upswing" part of my yo-yo'ing, I'm building any muscle. In theory, if I'm chowing away and layering on the blubber, my base metabolic rate shouldn't be changing. For example, last time I was on a serious diet, I lost 60 pounds and dropped to around 245. When I went off the plan, I (depressingly) gained it all back, in probably 6 months or so. That's a clip of about 10 pounds a month, or 2.5 pounds a week, which equates to 8750 excess calories per week or roughly 1250 (excess!) calories per day. Sounds about right, I was probably eating around 3000-3500 calories per day during my upswing. But I'm certain I kept going at that rate for another six months. And similarly, I'm sure I've eaten similarly over the last six months leading til now. Why haven't I gained another 60 pounds in the last year?

I don't know how this works, but it intrigues me. Not because I want to plan my next 100 pound weight gain (although that would be fun, wouldn't it?). Rather, I am concerned about hitting a plateau during my weight loss. I remember how difficult this was last time it happened - I ended up quite discouraged and if I didn't have a personal trainer hammering on me the whole time I might have gotten off track. I don't want to get off track this time.

I suppose I should do a bit of poor-man's research on metabolism. I kindof already know what I'm going to find. The answer, to avoiding plateaus, will surely be to build lean body mass along the way, which should increase BMR (burn rate) and accelerating (or at least sustaining) the pace of loss.

Ok no problem then. I'll just build lean body mass along the way. Is there a pill for that?

Cleaning House

Today's mission: purge. Out with the old. Clearance. Everything must go!

I pretty much went through everything: pantry, cabinets, fridge, upstairs freezer, downstairs freezer, storage room.

Actually while I did end up throwing out about 2 trash bags worth of stuff, alot of it was just old. Some of it was contraband, but not much. So the purge mission turned into more of an exercise in organization, which is good, because we haven't done that since we prepped the house for showings about nine months ago. And with eight people in our household, things get disorganized pretty quickly.

Anyway, mission accomplished. I now have a pretty good handle on what we have in terms of staples / ingredients, and should have plenty of room for healthy foods.

The next task is to make up a menu and a shopping list. I think I'll base the menu on the The alli Diet Plan which I picked up yesterday, mostly for the menus and the recipes. Not exactly groundbreaking material, but I like the menus so it's one less thing I have to think about. A couple things I like about the menus are 1) there are 1200, 1500, and 1800 calorie version of each day, which will make it easy for me and Susan to be on the same plan; and 2) for every recipe-based meal, there is a no-cook substitution -- which makes it nice for dealing with hectic days.

On an unrelated note, I worked out my weight loss goal yesterday. Funny, when I was first thinking about this last week, I thought hey - I'd like to get down to 200 pounds (nice even number, close enough to my "ideal" weight whatever that means), and I think I can do it before my 40th birthday. Given that I wasn't sure of my current weight or the exact number of weeks until then, I wasn't totally sure it was doable. Well, lo and behold, it is. I figure if I start on Wednesday (the day Susan returns), and my starting weight is 328, and I lose exactly 2 pounds per week, then I will hit 199 pounds on November 12, 2008, exactly one day before my fortieth birthday. How's that for serendpity?

Full Scale Attack

So, today's mission: find and purchase a new scale.

Dieters have a love/hate relationship with their scales. Mostly hate, I think. Fat people love to complain about how the scale is evil, how they are slaves to their scale, etc. Personally I have never had such deep rooted feelings for the scale. It's a tool, one of many in the weight loss arsenal. Obviously it is the ultimate judge of weight loss. Its report is the stark quantification of your progress. You either weigh less than you did last time, or you don't. In that respect, I love the scale.

But there are lots of reasons I don't put too much stock in the scale. For starters, anyone who has done any amount of dieting knows that your body weight fluctuates, sometimes pounds at a time, for a wide range of factors: day of week, time of day, what you're wearing, the impact of your diet and exercise on water retention, etc. Folks who weigh themselves every day are nutso. Day to day readings are not meaningful. What is meaningful is the trend, over time, of your approximate weight (plus or minus a pound or two or three).

And another thing. Except for your doctor and your trainer and physiologists, who cares how much you weigh? Honestly I could care less what I weigh. I am profoundly more interested in how I feel and how I look. Do I feel tired, or energetic? Do my clothes fit me, or am I bursting at the seams? What about my skinny clothes, do they fit me yet? Can I actually remove my shirt at the swimming pool without causing a wave of disgust and terror?

So, that said, I still need a scale. In my view the most important function of the scale is to tell you whether your diet is working or not. Waiting for your pants size to drop takes too long. I need to know week to week whether I'm on track. And for that, I need a scale.

For me, the key factor in selecting a scale is (duh) whether it can tell me my weight. This isn't as easy as it sounds. For one thing I weigh over 300 pounds (egad!). Try poking around at your local stuff mart. The vast majority of scales selling commercially max out at 300 pounds or less. To me this is crazy. While I am certainly massively obese, I am just as certainly not alone. Hello, Earth to scale makers: Americans are fat pigs. We don't need dainty little bathroom scales with glass tops or leopard skin motifs. We need scales that can actually weigh fat people (who, by the way, are probably your most important demographic).

Call me crazy, but another thing I insist on is that my scale tell me my actual weight, not my weight depending on the position of my feet within 10 micrometers or the relative humidity or alignment of the planets. I can't tell you how infuriating it is to use an inaccurate or inconsistent scale. My old gym had this doctor's office style balance beam scale that was only precise within + or - 5 pounds. So one week I'd be 323, then I'd be 318, then up to 322, arrgh!!! Damn you, you trickster scale, how much do I weigh???

So the best I could do was scour the web this morning to see what was for sale at my local retailers, find the ones that could weigh me, and read user reviews to discern what I could about accuracy.

What I came up with was the Weight Watchers Memory Precision Electronic Tracking Scale at Bed Bath and Beyond. This baby weighs up to a beefy 380 pounds, and most of the user reviews I found say it's accurate. Evidently it has some kind of special balancing mechanism that makes it more accurate. We'll see.

I got the scale this morning and excitedly unpacked it and took it for a test drive. First weight check in probably a year. Result: (drum roll please) . . . 326.8 pounds. Fat, to be sure. But not as bad as I thought. Oddly, I've been close to this weight before (actually I think 326 was my weight when I last started with Mike D) -- but my clothes seem way tighter than they used to be. I wonder if, when I regained this weight, it was distributed differently. Hmm. Well, no matter. It's all gotta go, no matter where it is.

The Last Hurrah

It happens every time. During the gear up to any new diet, there is always a "last hurrah" period. It is a time to bid farewell to stalwart friends you may never see again: donuts, pizza, nachos, brownie sundaes, etc. Often this concludes with a "Last Supper" meal of profound indulgence. The mood on such days is bittersweet: excitement and anticipation for the impending life change, mixed with dread for the deprived feelings and intense battle of willpower known to lie ahead.

For some reason I always engage in this charade, and this time is no exception. Yesterday I threw caution to the wind and ate, among other things, two bowls of cereal (one of which was Froot Loops), a slice of pizza, and a plate of kung pao chicken, and a whole box of toffee popcorn. Then late last night I picked up Bill Philips' book "Eating for Life". In the cover inset, the following question is posed: "Were you truly happy with the food you ate today?" As I pondered this question, I quickly reached my answer: decidedly, NO. Except for the slice of veggie pizza from Whole Foods, none of the food I ate was particularly good. So why do I do this?

I think it has something to do with freedom. As in, I now have the freedom to indulge in whatever I please, but I will soon be giving up that freedom. I need to take this chance to exercise my freedom while I still have it. So I will eat whatever I darned well please, whether it's good or not, thank you. Because tomorrow, I'm going on a diet.

This is moronic. I mean seriously, am I a child, or what?

For starters, the concept that favorite foods will be heretofore banished is dumb. Every contemporary diet author worth their salt will tell you that it is OK to indulge, from time to time, within reason.

Second, the idea that I have freedom now but will be losing it soon is backwards. This reminds me of a great talk I once heard about debt. The idea is that if you own too many things (i.e. beyond your means), the things will end up owning you. The same is true with eating, or any type of addictive behavior. What seems like freedom is actually the opposite. While I am "free" to eat whatever I please, the consequences of my behavior make me a prisoner to my weight, and I forsake many other freedoms, such as the freedom to have a good body image, the freedom to wear whatever clothes I like, or the freedom to live a long life.

Finally, there is the obvious: the 800 pound gorilla which illustrates how idiotic this behavior really is. Why, for the love of Pete, would anyone eat anything that a) isn't needed for energy/nutrition, OR b) doesn't TASTE GOOD? It is mindless eating. Eating for the sake of eating. Now this is neither news, nor unique. Everyone does it (well, "everyone" meaning the vast majority of modern-day Americans, who are in general overfed). That's fine. But when you are morbidly obese, like me, you've got no business doing it.

So, a resolution. I hereby have to KNOCK IT OFF. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for a little indulgence before and even during (gasp!) the Big Drop, but from here on out, it needs to be worthwhile indulgence. If I'm going to indulge, it had better not be for the sake of indulging. It had better be worth it. For example, I love brownies. But why would I splurge on a convenience store cellophane wrapped sad excuse for a brownie, which I know is going to taste like tree bark. If I'm going to eat a brownie, I'm going quality, homemade, from scratch (by the way, super easy, and waaay better than boxed brownie mix).

So for my Last Hurrah, I will go ahead and make the Bacon-Wrapped Shrimp with Grilled Corn & White Cheddar Cheese Grits and Chipotle-Tomato Butter Sauce, which I saw Tre make on Top Chef and for which I picked up the ingredients yesterday. Heck I may even make some brownies for dessert. Because I know it'll be worthwhile.

The Gift

I've just been given a gift. Susan has just departed for a 6 day road trip to North Carolina. With all the kids (her sanity is a topic for another discussion). Of course I will miss everyone - our household is eerily silent when the kids are absent. But my gift is tranquility, and time. I expect to use both to ponder and plan The Big Drop. By the time my family returns, I will be in full swing.

My first task is to figure out my plan of attack. A threefold strategy is required: food, exercise, and "psychops".

On the food front, I first need to figure out what plan I need to follow. There are lots of "branded" diet plans out there - Weight Watchers, LA Weight Loss, Body for Life, South Beach, etc. I doubt I will choose any of these, they either require too much time and money or are too restrictive. Then there is the "Mike D" plan, personally customized for me by the world's best personal trainer Mike D'Angelo of Body Evolver in Boston. I lost over sixty pounds following the "Mike D" plan about four years ago. The Mike D plan kicks butt however it scares me. Its guiding principle is totally no frills, take no prisoners, no mercy, food as fuel. I am not sure I am prepared for the kamikaze approach, but I'll consider it - maybe that's what I need. Finally there is Alli, which Susan is doing, which is basically a lowfat diet with calorie counting.

Once I pick a food plan, I need to put my house in order - literally. Out with the bad, in with the good. Fridge, freezer, and pantry will get a good whoopin. Then, I need a menu plan, and a shopping list, and I need to stock up.

On the exercise front, there's not much to ponder. Exercise is mandatory, and I need to do it. I just need to figure out which gym to join, and put together a workout schedule. The only things to figure out are what my strength training regimen will involve, and whether I want to sign up for a cardio class (like spinning).

Then there's "psychops". Psychological operations. Mental health. This may be where I need the most help. I need tools to keep me going. I know myself, and I know how easy it is for me to get off track. Committment and willpower is not enough. I need to be invested. I need motivational tools, checks and balances, and support. I have started assembling a mental inventory of the things that will help me here. I need to survey all the tips, tricks, techniques, and suggestions that I can find out there, pick the best ones, and execute. I want to create a "Big Drop Board" bulletin board in my home where I can post goals and progress reports, articles, tips, words and images that will motivate me. I need to communicate my plan to family and friends and coworkers who can encourage me and help keep me on track. I need to take the dreaded "before" picture (uy). Maybe a doctor visit is in order. Needless to say I need prayer, and divine guidance and support.

I am thankful for this gift of time. I have a good feeling about this. I have been here before, countless times, planning my next weight loss regimen. But this time feels different. I finally feel like the right pieces are coming together in the right way at the right time. My optimism has never been higher. I think I can really do it this time.

The Calm Before the Storm

I think I may finally be ready for The Big Drop. That is what I have decided to name my impending metamorphasis.

For all of my adult life now, I have been fat. Not big boned, not chubby -- fat. I don't think I've weighed myself in over a year but I must be pushing 330 pounds if not more. None of my clothes fit, even my 18-1/2 36 shirts which have pretty much always fit me through all my yo-yo weight changes. My weight loss failures are too numerous to discuss, actually too numerous to even remember. I think my hope my hopelessness has finally reached its pinnacle.

But this is it. I am turning 40 next year and I think I had an epiphany yesterday. My fortieth birthday almost exactly 15 months away. That is almost exactly enough time for me to achieve a big honkin goal: to get down to 200 pounds. If I put my shoulder to the wheel and grind it out, and lose 2 pounds a week, then in 64 weeks I should be able to lose 128 pounds. Depending on my current weight, the exact number of weeks, etc. - I think I can just about make it. How huge would it be for me to nail that goal? HUGE.

Susan is in a similar (albeit much smaller) boat, having recently figured she's heavier than she's ever been before in her life. She has decided to take the plunge and try Alli. I think her decision to get started is just the spark I needed to ignite the considerable kindling gathered under my butt and light my fire.

So I spent a few minutes last night and this morning checking out a few web sites and thinking about how to do this. One thing I've decided is to give this "program" a name: The Big Drop. Corny, perhaps, but I figure maybe giving a name to my pain will help me stick to it. Kindof like when kids that live on farms give names to their animals - they say once you name it, you can never slaughter it or eat it.

Meanwhile on a total whim, sitting here in the office, I decided to create this blog. Again, I figure the more I invest, the harder it will be to quit. So for better or for worse, I will use this outlet to chronicle the long journey on which I am about to embark. My sincere wish is that I will be sitting here in 15 months, marveling at this first entry and proud of the achievement I've made.